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The Existential Slap & Where’s Will?

Time for update – people asking. Warning – it’s a pretty dark and stormy night. But I am OK now & making gains.
My silence almost killed me.
Things just kept getting worse despite a clear brain. Thought I was slipping into oblivion from “terminal toxicity.” I felt miserable and guilty. By early November, my “Will” disappeared somewhere into the “Upside-Down.” I was alone and terrified. I hid this from almost everyone. I told Superman and my GP that I wanted to quit 49% of the time in October. Then it was 80%. I wasn’t depressed. This was something scarier. Then I saw the article and knew what it was… https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/11/the-existential-slap/544790/
Many of my peers have written about this experience repeatedly. They live with more pain, suffering and grief than anyone. Sometimes you must let the darkness envelop you. You can’t force it away with distraction, affirmations, positive thinking, meditation, or pleasure. And certainly not Gerson. “Pain dese…

SHIT'S GETTIN' REAL

This is a long read.... so much to say.Brain may not behave enough to say it. My ability to be concise and write well feels impaired so please be patient. I am sharing  because I'm scared as snot & just can’t handle it myself any longer.


It was a dark and stormy stairwell & the dogs were desperate for breakfast so I went downstairs to feed them. Shit happened. I thought 6 steps was 1. Third concussion in a year. This one hung on and rehab didn't help.Two weeks later, I made it to Toronto for an advocacy workshop with Rethink Breast Cancer, Gordon clan visit, brief introduction to a new pre-baby…plus I was blessed to meet soulful artist & dear “virtual” friend, Teva Harrison. “In Between Days” is a graphic (as in art) book about experience with MBC. This resonated with me: https://thewalrus.ca/three-ways-to-disappear/
I finished my masters course (NOT whole program) in April with highest mark on paper and in class. Every time I’ve have a concussion, I kick ass. Huh? …

Dark Clouds in the Way

Something’s wrong and I’m driving myself crazy over it. This time last year I ran 2, ½ marathons and aced my master’s papers with 95%, one of which was published. As far as I know, I remain NED. But I am seriously questioning if the price is worth it. My dearest Dr. Tequila chose to take a sabbatical so I’m feeling lost and alone in making decisions. And that nobody in the medical system really cares to help me figure it out.
Here’s my day for the last two months:
Wake up with alarm at 8 am, take meds and fall back to sleep – sometimes until 10-11 am despite taking a stimulant.
Drink coffee, putz on phone, computer, TV.
Try to go for a walk, social activity OR errand – if I don’t get out before 11 am, it won’t happen. Or do one simple task – put away some laundry, make the bed, even just take a shower… then I’m DONE.
Lie around, whinge, complain, watch Netflix.
Force myself to get up and make supper - simple/easy as possible.
Go back to bed….
Fabulous quality of life…..NOT.
I believe it…