Living with Bipolar

Mental illness. Despite all the press around “talking more” about it the stigma remains. An acquaintance of mine recently died of suicide - it was unexpected and no-one knew how depressed they were. #letstalk does not go deep enough or reach those who need validation and support the most. I’m one of those hence want to share my lived experience. If I can share about cancer I can share about bipolar disorder. I also hope that this can help others that feel they need to hide their stories behind a mask in shame and fear. 

I have lived with depressive episodes since 1992. I would see a counsellor or psychiatrist and take some medication. I could implement strategies and rely on Superman to help me out of the depths. The worst of it would last 1-3 months then I’d be OK. Then came cancer and that complicated things. I was constantly anxious and sometimes depressed. But once again I got a good psychiatrist and was able to overcome issues to be able to deal with the potentially terminal diagnosis. I dabbled in art therapy, meditation and various self-help strategies. Looking back I know this was difficult but it pales in comparison the last few years. 

It was the beginning of Covid. There was a collective anxiety and fear in the air. However, I was in a really great place, or so I thought. I had taken on sewing lingerie as I wanted to make the perfect, attractive, functional bra for my protheses.  Additionally I was working on my thesis and it was going splendidly.  I thought highly of myself. I believed that was one of the smartest, most creative people in the world. (Yes a little delusional.) My thoughts were expansive and exciting. I also starting spending too much money ordering things online that I didn’t need or starting silly projects. I started to become obsessed with my activities. I would work without stopping or eating until I realised it was 8 pm and I needed to make dinner. I also started to struggle falling asleep. Then suddenly I went from feeling really good to feeling intensely irritable. One day I was emptying the dishwasher and I threw a mug across the room and put a hole in the closet door. My dogs were shivering and avoiding me. My thoughts were racing and I felt agitated. I wondered what the heck was happening.

 

I decided to go to a walk-in medical clinic. The doctor told me I looked and acted hypomanic and maybe it was the side effect of my meds. He gave me an antipsychotic to take the edge off and told me to see my GP and quickly titrate off some meds. However a few days later I felt worse and my usually quiet inner monologue started to scream at me. It was very scary. Like hearing voices. I decided to go to the deathly-quiet-Covid-dystopian-ish urgent care. The nurse kept telling me I was anxious but once the doctor saw me he said he thought it was ‘full on mania’ and I needed stronger medications. He also made a referral to psychiatry but warned me about a long waitlist - over 6 months. I went to see my family doctor and my memory is blurry but I think we tried a few antipsychotics - unfortunately most gave me a movement disorder like Parkinson’s. We finally found one that helped and had fewer side effects but was well-known for causing weight gain. As my manic symptoms resolved I was hit with a soul crushing depression. Back on my previous antidepressants while awaiting a psychiatry consult. This time they didn’t help. I finally got to see a psychiatrist that came across as caring, collaborative, and patient-centred. It took 2.5 years of feeling depressed with countless tweaks in my medication to finally come out of it. I also tried mindfulness based cognitive behavioural therapy, art therapy, counselling, self-help books, yoga, and other strategies. 

I had a brief period of feeling pretty good. I started working with a cancer-experienced personal trainer with a neighbour. I was so keen and got so strong. I started hiking with the same neighbour and tackled longer and more difficult hikes. It was hard to believe that a few years earlier I was in a wheelchair eating out of a blender. I also modified my diet and lost about 20 pounds. It was our first year as empty-nesters with both kids at university and I was really enjoying it. I started volunteering at the food bank and as a village host - both were a lot of fun and felt purposeful. 

Then in March of 2023 I started to have racing thoughts, agitation and no sleep again. It seemed to have been triggered by steroids for a respiratory crisis and then caffeine supplements to get myself to the gym despite exhaustion. I called my psychiatrist and resumed the anti-psychotics. This was followed by another crash into depression. Since then I’ve been tweaking my medications with some relief, working with a counsellor with lived cancer experience, journalling, dabbling with art, using a gratitude app, doing Yoga Nidra and working through some self-help books - Radical Acceptance and Radical Compassion but Tara Brach.

Then came ketamine - not the party version. There is a resurgence of research into psychedelic medications for things such as PTSD, end of life fear in terminal cancers, and treatment resistant depression. The theory is that it rewires the brain through neuroplasticity. It was approved in a pilot project in Squamish. Wow! What a trip! I underwent 4 treatments in two weeks then 2 follow up treatments. The treatments themselves are so trippy it’s hard to describe. You have a nurse and psychiatrist in the room the entire time. They give you noise cancelling headphones with music and an eye mask. The playlist has been curated to coincide with a ketamine session - all very relaxing, psychedelic and with nature sounds. I would go deeply into a space where I could “see” the music - colours and shapes developing and changing. Sometimes I would tap my hands or feet to the music. At any time I could ground myself by feeling my hands on the chair. I would sometimes get a theme such as ‘stop striving’ or ‘love and forgiveness.’ I also had the sense that a higher power was with me. Apparently I was glowing after my last treatment. I found that during ketamine and for around a month after I felt better in several ways. I would be able to journal more and practice challenging my negative thoughts in writing, I started a watercolour course, I could relax with Yoga Nidra, and I was just a little gentler with myself. I started to have moments when I didn’t feel dragged down with depression - “a little lighter" said my counsellor. Unfortunately the effects wear off after about a month and I’m just waiting to find out when I can go again. As a pilot project they have limited offerings so depends on urgency and availability. 

It’s now spring - usually a time of renewal. Most prefer the longer days with more sun.  I, however, am the opposite. My favourite time is autumn. I like cozy knitting in front of TV, walking in cool temperatures and going to bed early in the dark. I think the fact that my first depressive episodes occurred in the spring makes it difficult. 

I’m currently struggling - not as much as before ketamine but it still stops me in my tracks some days. I have OK days and bad days. The OK days tend to be when I am busy - volunteering, going to the gym or socialising with neighbours. The bad days are long and spent in bed doom-scrolling and napping on and off. And once a day like this comes on I become frozen and I can’t even get myself to simply watch a TV show, read a book or knit. Even showering and eating are huge challenges. I’m very critical of myself for having these days. My counsellor has suggested I need to be gentler to myself then maybe I can unfreeze and do something that brings me pleasure. This week I have been forcing myself out once a day even if it is just a small errand. In contrast, I can sometimes feel pretty good when in a supportive social setting having engaging dialogue or playing games. But at other times I just wear a mask to hide how I’m feeling. The thing is folx, some of the funniest, outgoing and positive sounding people like Robin Williams can be living with a dark side. Don’t worry. I haven’t given up. My life-force is strong despite it all.  I plan to have continued ketamine treatments and try to maintain my habits of exercise, journaling, reframing negative thoughts, gratitude and guided meditations. 

I need to thank Superman who supports me to the moon and back and maintains the home so I can focus on self-care. I also am grateful for my neighbours and a few close friends. Connection is very important to me and I think the most effective strategy in recovering.