Make Love, Not War

I went for my weekly healing journey with “MagSafe” today. She got her name from my phone’s autocorrect. MagSafe is my massage therapist and provides me with 60 or more precious minutes in which she guides my body to heal itself. Every session is like compassionate counseling, meditation, ancient healing energy practices and basic TLC all rolled into one.

I commented that I was getting a cold. I’d spent the week helping my daughter stay on top of her asthma and making sure she was getting her nebulized medication every hour or two for a couple of nights. The consequence of not enough sleep and snuggling so close was that it was my turn to get a cold. MagSafe suggested I “fight it off.” The word fight set off a reaction in me.

When I started my “most aggressive treatment possible” (as per Dr. Tequila) I was in a pretty kick ass place. I felt at peace with my diagnosis to some extent and I believed in a cure. I knew I could win the battle against cancer because death was just not an option. I had so many brave soldiers to help me along so I knew I would never surrender.

Midway through treatment I felt as if cancer was winning. I had never experienced such physical or emotional pain in my life. I wondered why fighting back was not the answer. Surely I could take revenge on cancer. But the more I fought the more pain I was in.

As I reached the end of treatment I became depressed. I questioned the reason for me winning the biggest fight of my life. I was terribly exhausted. I felt like I hadn’t won anything at all. I became acutely aware of my losses; my pain, digestive issues, vision, fatigue, sadness, altered body, and constant fear of recurrence.

Thank goodness for a healing retreat. I will not go into details but Callanish is where I finally embarked on my life’s healing journey. The fight was potentially over and I could focus on finding my new reality and searching for peace. Peace with my body, mind and soul; peace with my health; peace with my relationships; peace with food.

That sounds quite lovely but I will not lie. This pursuit is an even more challenging journey than cancer itself for me. I have never been naturally at peace. In 5 years of meditation I can count the times I've felt real peace on one hand. Perhaps that’s why I need to stop fighting. I've been at war with myself for far too long.

So as I feel the tightness and burning in my chest and a stuffy nose all I want to do is make peace with it and let it run its course. Perhaps if I quit fighting I can save my energy to actually heal.