Happy New Years 2014

Perhaps it’s the coffee I had yesterday afternoon to stay awake for a party after stressing about losing my keys for 2 hours, barely getting my son to hockey (thanks neighbour) and the girls to the indoor playground (thanks honey).

Perhaps it’s the belated Christmakah celebration at a friend’s last night. I finally had some fun despite being a non-drinker while everybody was busy imbibing. Minus the 12 year old boy crowd of course. Thanks again to my honey for staying home with the only girl.

Perhaps my mind is finally overactive with exciting things I want to do in the next few months. A little ski visit in the Okanagan, musicals and a concert to attend, Mexico in May. All made possible due to Christmas gifts - thanks moms and dads and the Groves.

Perhaps I have finally had enough sleep to catch up with the chaos of christmas and scanxiety from December. I’ve been averaging 12-14 hours a night. Straight through. No bathroom break. And I thought it was just the chemo....

But I have insomnia tonight. I’ve been restless for a couple and finally, I just got up at 5 am and said “what the heck!” 

Here are some Christmas moments to break things up.....

A big topic of mental conversation has been New Years resolutions. A dear friend and I had a discussion last night and I pretty much said that I’ve given “the bird” to new years resolutions over the last few years.  It’s pretty much limited to “survive the next year.” She just wanted to simplify a resolution as “something I can get better at.” Both of our ideas were perfect in my eyes. I went on to say I also wanted to just try to enjoy life more and be present in it - just in case its cut short. I want more fun and joy for me and my family.

In other words mine is to be the OUTLIER on the survival statistic scale. (I’m borrowing that concept from another mets friend blogger.... ) I already am but I want to stay that way.  A monumental task. Yet perhaps simpler because I have an outstanding team, a blessing of a support network and faith. Yes, I BELIEVE this early morning. And I haven’t been lately, it’s been tough to. Thank goodness my husband, family and friends keep the flame burning brightly for me. 

Metastatic cancer is NOT a blessing no matter how you look at it. You can’t tell me mets are a gift. That a higher power only gives us what we can handle. That my loved ones lives and my life will be better because of it. Maybe it was so the first time I had cancer and it was curable and had an end date to treatment.  But not with Stage 4. It’s considered incurable even if it’s all gone from your body. Even when you are NED (no evidence of disease) it has the ability to steal your life away from you at any time. And I will be in some form of treatment FOREVER. Not sure I’ve said that enough yet.

Metastatic cancer can be a nasty creature. He has you in his gnarly grasp, a gigantic dragon-like creature that blows fire in your face, has long sharp talons, scaly and slimy skin. Black. Scary as hell. You may get away from him for awhile but he tends to hide under your bed. 

I’ve spent the last few months in a state of constant anxiety and depression. Fearful, sad, teary at any moment. The end of active treatment with Taxol scared the hell out of me. I was afraid the cancer was going to grow back and take me away. I had a full on panic attack as I went for my last CT scan. My destiny seems to rely on the results of those scans. Past scans haunt me and cause full on PTSD. Many who have had cancer can attest to scanxiety and PTSD.  

Of course I am taking action. I am born and bred OT - I see everything as a task to complete, a barrier to overcome no matter how depressed or sick I get. For example:

  

• I am seeing a counsellor (Mindreader Madge) and massage therapist (MagSafe) who are helping me process all that has happened both through my mind and my body. I do my own myofascial release with this amazing little ball for hours a day sometimes. 

• So much of my fear, anxiety, shame and guilt has been housed in my hips it’s hard to believe. I come to sessions with sketches I’ve drawn and both Magsafe and Madge help me work through them. It’s amazing how they can work together. 

• I’m waiting to see a psychiatrist at the cancer agency. 

• I’m connected at the Callanish Healing Society for restorative yoga, relaxation and counseling.

• I am planning to add art therapy and maybe writing (both at Callanish) to my repertoire of healing strategies.

• I will volunteer in some capacity at my work. I know I can’t work even a part time regular schedule while undergoing treatment and waiting for the unknown but they will support me to volunteer until I can.

• Eat well, drink water and exercise - yeah, I’ll see what I can do but I definitely won’t stress about it and I refuse to give up the pleasure of certain foods. Because of the joy factor.

I hope that’s not too much to chew....

GOOD NEWS PART 3

I need to tell you my good news now. My multiple humongous tumours have melted further. I am down to one, 1.1 cm mass left in my liver according my my CT with contrast. I have the exact same test each time.  It used to be 15 cm, the other big one was 5 cm and there were many (too many) smaller ones all over my liver and in my liver lymph. 

Along with Dr Tequila resisting but supporting me, I pushed Taxol as far as it could go before it damaged me beyond recovery. The added Perjeta to Herceptin has likely done this amazing job. Everyone is thrilled. And many felt that was the biggest gift of Christmas. Well for my family for sure!

I am happy but I am a perfectionist in some things. I want to see it ALL gone. I want NED (no evidence of disease) and I plan to get it somehow.....

Please continue to BELIEVE and send your vibes and prayers out there because we know they are working. Never stop because Stage 4 is a forever kinda thing and we need your help. Thanks so much

Happy happy new year!! 

Here I am asking Santa McGaw for a cure for cancer.... He’s going straight to the big man upstairs on that one.