Parenting through Cancer - Survival Parenting
The last thing I want to do is write a HOW-TO post on parenting. There are mounds and mounds of information on this topic. And I don’t find much of it helpful. With the exception of excellent articles on “good enough parenting” and “natural consequences.”
However, I hope that writing about it gives people of sense of our every day challenges. Perhaps it will free another cancer warrior from the self-doubt that comes up so often. A moment of “I’m not crazy! This happens to others.”
Parenting is the toughest job EVER. I am a perfectionist. It’s pretty hard to parent perfectly. It’s pretty impossible to parent through cancer perfectly. Hence my struggle.
Both of our children are very smart AND very willful. Code for “are you up to the challenge?”
I always tell “stay-at-home-to-raise-my-kids” parents that they have it hardest. It has taken until this summer for me to start to accept my role in staying home most of the time. I don’t feel ease parenting around the clock. I get antsy and desperate for “daddy to get home.” I get “you need a margarita” grumpy by dinner but sadly, I can’t drink. I get critical and judgemental of my kids, my husband and myself. I get completely wound up in issues that aren’t really that significant. I gripe and groan to poor Jeffrey. I just want to cocoon alone in my room at the end of the day and not be bothered by anyone. Except the dogs - they demand so little and give so freely.
I loved going back to work after having my children and after my first round with cancer. I liked the structure, being with adults all day, feeling useful and appreciated, going to the bathroom alone, talking on the phone without interruption and running errands alone. However, I worked full time and perhaps, it was too much. We had many crises in the first 10 years of having children: Jeff’s mild brain injury, spinal cord scare and numerous other injuries; my concussions, frequent bouts of pneumonia, double vision and knee injuries; Lucas’ high fevers, ear infections, croupy coughs and school issues; Sabrina’s severe allergies, asthma from infancy and frequent bouts of pneumonia. We have frequent flyer miles with the local emergency. With the exception of a few months here and there I remained working full time until cancer came along.
The first thing that came to mind when diagnosed with cancer both times was “what about the kids?” I just can’t imagine NOT being here to parent them into wonderful adults. I want the best for them. Having cancer once is likely good for their resiliency, empathy and so on. Cancer a second time - a significantly life threatening version - is TOO MUCH. No child deserves to go through this twice and possibly even more times, potentially losing a parent.
Over the last few years I have struggled greatly with parenting while undergoing brutal treatment, while trying to heal and prioritize myself. I recall a few awful times in the first months of my metastatic cancer treatment. I was home alone with the kids in the evening (my worst time) and they were fighting and whining and refusing to do as asked. I was fuming and furious. I blurted (perhaps screamed) “I did this for YOU! I CHOSE to LIVE because of YOU! I’m fighting this cancer for YOU! Every time I have that awful chemo I am doing it FOR YOU. You could at least TRY to appreciate ME and listen” ………continued roaring while pointing to my bald head…….Well that shut them up quickly and led to crying, huge sorries and a long snuggle in the king size bed. This will likely come up in their adult counselling sessions. Sorry kids. Mommy lost it.
One of the hardest parts about parenting - with or without cancer - is that I want to have “perfect” children. Straight A’s, well behaved, helpful around the home, independent, caring of others and animals, many close friends, leaders, best in their sport and hobby pursuits and so on. OK when I write it all down it sounds crazy. But this year, when Lucas graduated from Grade 7, a bit of me was sad that he couldn’t be one of those “award winners” headed for a great career as a neurosurgeon, aeronautical engineer or Supreme Court justice. With all I’ve been through didn’t I deserve that? I know darn well he’s a wonderfully intelligent, creative, funny, committed and thoughtful young man. He embraces those less fortunate, carries on interesting conversations, takes on challenges despite his fears in biking, hockey and canoe tripping, loves and prioritizes his family at important times. I’m also very lucky to have an independent, school loving, always dancing, sympathetic, affectionate, creative and energetic daughter who makes friends with every kid she meets. She can be a Diva at times but it’s worth it.
And then there is my Superman. He holds the fort when I fall down. He does ALL the housework, can care for the kids, can take over my dinner duty when I need to lie down. He never says NO if I want or need to take a yoga class, go on retreat,need a day in bed, time with friends. He might be grumpy about missing some powder but he will always support me. However, I am always plagued with guilt that I am not parenting at those times. My issue - not his. I appreciate that he is an excellent parent. He is key to my learning to “let it go” and BELIEVE that the kids will grow up “just fine.” I am trying to keep my mouth shut more often and let him direct the kids.
I have been “survival parenting” for so long now. It likely dates back to Jeff’s head injury in 2005. Sometimes the kids behave like such “spoiled brats.” Though I know they are not - cancer is not a luxury. They are just trying to survive the reality of living with a parent with cancer. I sometimes feel like such a lazy mom. I allow too much screen time, bed times are getting later, they are getting off without finishing their chores - if they even have them. They don’t always eat enough vegetables. We eat fast food on road trips. I love take out pizza and sushi. I don’t make them do “school work” in the summer or on vacations - not even a keeping a journal as suggested.
I went to a counselling session just before summer vacation. My healing guru suggested “what if we have the summer of yes?” I would let them do and be what they wanted instead of always monitoring what they do and making sure it was “perfect mommy approved.” Jeff agreed in part - that I had to let them become more independent. However he felt they needed to be responsible for themselves and help out around the home. He came up with a grand allowance scheme with bank card. Brilliant. I am no longer forking over money every time they want to go the candy store, a movie, a trip to the village. They are spending more carefully now that it’s their own money. That definitely reduced some parenting stress. Not sure if they are doing enough chores to earn it but we can work on that.
If parenting a child takes a village then parenting a child through mom’s cancer takes 2-3 villages or more. Thankfully I have that here in my neighbourhood and network of family and friends.
Thanks to my SIL G.D. for inspiring me to be ok with being less than perfect....please check out her book........http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18333473-naked-imperfection
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